Final Fantasy: A Parody Novelization
by Quadraginta
Summary: This is a parody-novelization of the original Final Fantasy, giving the originally silent protagonists voices, and (if you can even call it that) personalities. This parody-novelization follows mostly the same story as the original Final Fantasy (what little story it had in the first place) but with lots of humor thrown in.
1. Chapter 1

Chapters 1, 2, and 3 may turn you off, because they don't really use much humour. Chapter 4, however, and the rest of the chapters switch to full-on comedy. So, keep that in mind. Anyways, enjoy.

* * *

Zeph! You the thief...

Quad! You the black belt...

Rain! You the white mage...

Moon! You the black mage...

YOUR ORBS DONE SHINING. YOU ARE JOURNEY TO SAVE ORBS AND MAKE SHINE AGAIN. HURRY, AND MAKE ORBS SHINE! FOR YOU ARE LIGHT WARRIORS!

They finally arrived on the continent, right outside of the gates to Coneria. Zeph turned to his team, and said "ok, guys, we're here. Let's go get some equipment and rest at the inn." The team agreed. Exhausted and ready to press R to try again, they trudged up to the gates. A guard, sporting nothing but a spear, marched over. "Business? Wait...are those...THOSE ARE THE ORBS! YOU MUST BE THE LIGHT WARRIORS! COME IN, PLEASE!" The group did nothing but grunt, and walked in. They walked to the inn, their feet as if a huge metal ball was attached to them, growing larger and heavier with each step. They paid their money and collapsed, falling into deep sleep on contact with the beds. The next morning, they bought their equipment and went to the king's castle.

(CUE ROYAL CASTLE MUZAK)

"You must be the LIGHT WARRIORS mentioned in Lukhans prophecy...those ORBS are proof...please, go save my daughter? She was kidnapped by Garland, a knight that was once in service with me, but he mysteriously turned evil...save my daughter...nobody can beat Garland...we tried...oh, we tried so hard...if you succeed, I order the bridge up North to be fixed, so you may continue your journey." said the King.

The group marched north, to Garland's castle. The castle at first appeared on the horizon...then grow larger and more threatening with each and every step. The group barged right in through the front door and found Garland with the King's daughter tied up in rope. The LIGHT WARRIORS raised their weapons and charged towards Garland. Garland stood there laughing. "Nobody takes my princess! LIGHT WARRIORS? Hah! Pathetic fools! I, Garland, will knock you all down!" Garland cackled and flourished his hands through the air, summoning a bolt of electricity to fry the LIGHT WARRIORS. "FOR FUCK'S SAKE, ZEPH, KEEP YOUR FACE OFF THE GROUND!" yelled Quad. He jumped over Zeph's terminated body and struck a deadly blow to Garland's head, cracking his knight's helmet down the middle. The helmet broke in two pieces, revealing a handsome face with flowing hair. Rain used a spell to revive Zeph. "Quad," yelled Moon, "fling me into the air, and I'll burn Garland's face with a ball of fire!" Quad did as he was told, with the situation ending with Garland's skin burned, bloody, and flaking. The LIGHT WARRIORS had succeeded. Garland lay dead on the floor, and the King's daughter was safe. "Come on," said Zeph, "we'll get you home."

END OF CHAPTER 1


	2. Chapter 2

They had done it. They had defeated Garland, good knight turned bad knight, and rescued the King's daughter. When they took her home, the King was so overcome with relief, he nearly fell out of his chair. "WARRIORS," he cried. "Thank you so much for saving my daughter! I shall now order my royal bridge fixers to fix up that broken bridge up north for you, so that you may continue your journey! Go on, now, brave WARRIORS, and revive the power of the ORBS! When the four WARRIORS reached the bridge, it had already been fixed. And once it was fixed, monsters flooded over it and attempted to swarm over the WARRIORS. Attempted, and failed. Zeph's intense speed made the monsters trip over thier own heavy footing, while Quad's nunchuks landed deadly blows to many of them. Rain's spell HARM sent many of the undead back to their graves, and Moon's deadly black magic made short work of the rest of them. Nothing could stop the WARRIORS. After a considerable amount of trekking up north had been done, they had reached a cave. In it were brooms, floating in mid-air and automatically sweeping the floor by themselves. In the middle of the cave sat a lone elderly witch. The witch appeared to be blind, as she stumbled upon her own robes and tripped and fumbled around clumsily reaching for whatever- the WARRIORS couldn't even begin to guess. "OW!" she cried when she stubbed her toe on a bookshelf. "OW!" shee cried again when she tripped on her own robe. "My eye!" she yelled. Moon noticed something strange. Besides the fact that used the word "eye" in it's singular form, she noticed that the elderly witch had no eye. Not two, and not even one. "My crystal eye! Who stole it?! I can't see without my crystal eye!" yelled the elderly witch. No wonder, thought Moon. "Quad," said Moon. "Maybe we should help her." "Maybe we should," replied Quad. The four WARRIORS approached her. "Miss?" said Zeph as he lightly tapped her on the shoulder." The witch yelled in alarm and blaster Zeph across the room with a powerful burst of magic. "Who are you?!" yelled the witch. "What are you doing in my cave?!" "Calm down!" yelled Moon as Rain tended to Zeph's wounds. "We overheard you talking about your crystal eye being stolen and decided that maybe we should help." "Oh, well why didn't you say so? Go get it for me, will ya? "That was kind of rude," said Zeph. "We offered to help her find her crystal eye and she just shooed us out." "Well, we got to do what we got to do, right?" responded Quad. "Yeah..." They ventured far East before stumbling upon a small port city. A sign marked 'Pravoka' was erected outside it's gates. Behind the gates we it's citizens, running around looking scared and frantic. One of the citizens noticed the WARRIORS and walked over to them, asking for help. "Help us!" cried the citizen. "Pirates have taken over our once peaceful little port city! Please, help us! The guards are down!" The citizen opened the gate and let them in. Upon entry, a pirate approached the citizen and beheaded him with his scimitar. "Har-har-har! Crying for help, now, aren't ye? Well, it's ain't gun do ye much good! The name's Bikke! I am the most well-renowned in the world!" "Never heard of you." replied Quad. At that remark, Bikke's face immediately flushed red with intense rage. "How dare ye smart-ass me!" yelled Bikke as he swung his scimitar at Quad's neck. Quad dodged the attack and swung his nunchuks at the scimitar, flinging across the town and imbedding it into a hotel, effectively disarming Bikke. "Arg! Me mateys! Help yere cap'n!" yelled Bikke as he ran to retrieve his sword. Bikke's henchman appeared soon afterwards. They were many, a small army of pirates versus 4 WARRIORS, about to be 3 WARRIORS. "Zeph!" yelled Quad. "You're fast enough! Go stop Bikke before he can get his sword! We'll hold off his henchman!" Zeph nodded his head and ran towards Bikke, leaving the other WARRIORS to face the pirates. They were many. Almost too many. 3 pirates swung their scimitars at Rain. She raised he staff and blocked their attacks, but their blades were sharp. If her staff took another blow like that, it would snap. She knew it and backed away quickly from the pirates. Moon unleashed a tidal wave to sweep many of the pirates away into the open ocean, taking care not to accidentally sweep away any innocent citizens. Quad swung his nunchuks as fast as he could and landed blows across many of the enemies heads, knocking them down to their knees. The pirates fell easily at the strength of the WARRIORS.

Zeph was running after Bikke, and he was quickly catching up. Zeph jumped up high, landed on Bikke's shoulders, and bolted himself up against the wall, and landed neatly, and precariously on the imbedded scimitar's handle. "Hey," said Zeph with a smug look on his face. "Looking for this?" Zeph grabbed the sword and pulled it out of the wall with ease. He swung it in a wide arc and decapitated Bikke. Problem solved. All he had to do now was to get back to the others and finished up the rest of the pirates.

Zeph joined the heated battle against the other pirates. However, as soon as Zeph joined the battle, a pirate managed to knocked him several feet backwards and into a wall. A wall that Rain was backed into. "Zeph!" said Rain. "You're wounded. Stay still for a sec." Rain began uttering a healing spell. It worked. Zeph's wounds were healed. He was ready to get back into action before noticed the scimitar he was using. "Zeph, is that Bikke's scimitar?" Zeph looked at Rain and uttered a single word. "Yes." Zeph ran back into battle and killed 3 pirates. One final pirate remained. He was a small one. "Ok!" said the pirate, his voice choked with fear. "You win. You killed all me mateys, and you killed the cap'n. The same man who raised me as if I were his own...I have nothing left...go on...take our ship...my ship..." "Zeph. Send him to hell." said one of the WARRIORS. Zeph nodded and brought the scimitar high up, and swung it in a downward arc. It cut halfway through the pirate's skull and stayed there. The pirate fell to his knees and collapsed in one bloody heap. "At least he gets to keep what is so rightfully his..." said Rain. "Hey-hey! We got a ship now! Come on. We should be able to find that Witch's crystal eye with it." The WARRIORS all agreed. They all boarded the ship and sailed southwest to uncharted lands...

END OF CHAPTER 2


	3. Chapter 3

They had settled down on a small island and have been grinding for 2 hours straight. Quad and Zeph fought many goblins, while Rain and Moon were grinding elsewhere. They had worked hard and long, long and hard, on their skillz. Yet the monsters of the sea repeatedly owned them. They trained on the goblins,; they were nothing, and then they graduated to bigger and bigger. Finally, Zeph snapped. "I am actually REALLY fucking sick and tired of all of this fucking grinding." he said. Quad, not giving a fuck, as usual, just shrugged him off. However, the constant complaining, though still unable to make Quad give fucks, was hampering his skillz slightly; for Quad always found that he trained better in complete silence, and so he devised an idea to get Zeph to stop complaining. "Zeph," said Quad. "If we don't grind for hours on end, we will never be able to keep our faces off the floor." The mischievous glint that Zeph had in his eye made Quad feel unnerved. "Get my face off the floor?" said Zeph. "Maybe...maybe I should keep my face on the floor the whole time. It will be much easier for me, and I get some glorious nap time." Quad did not like the sound of Zeph's ridiculous idea, but then he relented. "Alright. fine. Purposely keep your face on the floor. See if I care. Which, by the way, I don't." Zeph smiled greatly as he kneeled down and lowered his face to the ground. Quad readied his nunchuks as the goblins appeared. He swung his nunchuks high, and brought them down with a quick SNAP! The goblins fell easily...

(several hours later) "Ok, Zeph, you can get you face off the floor now." Zeph did not stir. He was in a very deep sleep and seemed likely to be able to sleep through a creeper explosion. "Zeph...Zeph...ZEPH!" Quad slapped Zeph, and he jerked awake with a small yelp. "Quad...what...time...what..." "Come on, Zeph. Let's go. We have to go now." "Go where?" "We need to go, now come on!" They were about to call Rain and Moon to regroup and board the ship when all of a sudden, a Liquid Metal Slime appeared. "A Slime?" questioned Quad. "Sorry, d00d, you're in the wrong game. I'm going to have to take care of that." The Liquid Metal Slime leaped high up into the air, and was about to land on Quad when he whacked it away with his nunchuks. "You are in the wrong game, Asswipe. GTFO" The Slime quivered in fear as Quad tossed his nunchuks into the ocean and summoned a magical staff with his will. The Slime nimbly dodged most of Quad's attacks, but when it did get hit, it moaned in pain. Quad dodged the Slime as it jumped into the air and attempted to land on him. After two failed attempts to squash Quad, it finally decided to go after Zeph, who just stood there the whole time. Zeph, being a thief, is naturally quite fast and nimble, but the Slime was faster as it was a higher level than Zeph, it was much faster. It body slammed right into Zeph, knocking him right into a tree, where he fell and landed on his face. Quad shook his head. "Oh, Zeph. That's what you get for not level grinding with me." Quad began focusing his will into his staff. The air crackled with energy as the staff was being charged. Quad unleashed one powerful bolt of energy right in the Liquid Metal Slime. It dissolved and splashed into the ocean, where the water bubbled for several moments, then fell flat again, without even a single wave crashing. Quad stepped over to Zeph and looked down at him. "Hopefully this will teach you to grind with me next time..." Rain and Moon appeared shortly, exhausted from all the grinding. Rain noticed Zeph with his face on the ground. "What happened-" started Rain. "Don't ask" Finished Quad.

After Rain got Zeph's face off the ground, Quad forced him to grind twice as hard. It paid off. Several more Liquid Metal Slimes appeared, and Zeph managed to finish each and every single one of them by himself. "Alright," said Zeph. "I'm done grinding...where to now?" "Now we go to get that old bitchy witch's fuck-forsakened crystal eye" replied Quad. They boarded their ship and sailed away from the island, and southwest to a quickly approaching continent.

END OF CHAPTER 3


	4. Chapter 4

And then they arrived. They had been sailing on the great open sea for about 3 Grue Years now, but, to Zeph, it seemed like only yesterday when he grinded enough to finally be able to defeat a Liquid Metal Slime.

The town they arrived in wasn't much. It's name was Elfland...There was a small inn, a magic shop, and an equipment shop. Oh, and distraught citizens crying for help. Of course. AND...there's an and...all the citizens were elves. Well, no shit, the town was called Elfland.

"HALP ME, HALP ME!" cried one citizen. "OUR PRECIOUS PRINCE HAS FALLEN UNDER A DEEP SLEEP HALP US, PLZ." Zeph, feeling more confident with his higher level, puffed out his chest and spoke in as deep a voice as possible. "Do not fear, citizen," he paused mid-speech, looked back at Quad and co., winked, then looked back at the citizen. "For I am the mighty Zeph."

"Never heard of you" replied the citizen. The following equation (Zeph's faceXFail)+floor solved itself.

"Ok" said Quad as he stepped in. "Elaborate, please." And so the citizen elaborated. Astos, the Dark Elf, had cursed the Prince of Elfland and cast him into a deep sleep. He could only be awakened by Matoya's Jolt Tonic.

"Matoya?" asked Zeph. "Who is she?" The citizen looked Zeph straight in the eye and said "she's the bitchy witch who lives in some cramped cave in the north."

Zeph started crying, but he hid it pretty well. And by pretty well, I mean not well at all.

"Well," said Quad. "Where is this Ass-toast you speak of?" The citizen's complexion turned green. Greener than it already was. Yeah, the elves were green, I forgot to mention that.

"Ass-toast...I mean Astos resides in the ruins of the castle to the west. He is horrible...he cut out my wife's baby and had sex with it! Oh, boo-hooooooooo! Waaahh, I'm crying uncontrollably, wahhhh!"

"There, there" Quad comforted the citizen. "It'll all be over soon..." The citizen barely had enough time to see the malicious glint in Quad's eye as he snapped the elf's neck and threw him all the way across the continent and into the ocean.

Zeph, Moon, and Rain stared at Quad, their lower jaws just about de-tached from their upper ones.

"...what?" asked Quad as he stared back at them. "What?"

The trek to Astos's castle wasn't too bad for the team. After all, they were the Four Warriors of Light. THE FOUR MUTHAF*IN' WARRIORS OF LIGHT, BEEYOTCH.

They were just about to reach Astos's castle when all of a sudden, a lone warrior appeared. The warrior was female, and extremely lacking in height. And I mean EXTREMELY lacking.

She wielded a spear with a blade shaped like a bolt of lightning...so, pretty much shaped like Harry Potter's scar.

The shield she wielded with her spear was completely black with a couple splashes of blood on it. Adorned on the front of the shield was the Pokemon logo.

The warrior stepped slowly, and deliberately up to the Four Light Warriors and spoke calmly. "My name is Solun..." she said. "I am a Paladin, a noble, holy knight, and I hail from the land of- OH MY GOD, ZEPH, OMG, IT'S BEEN SO LONG, I MISSED YOU SO MUCH ;_;"

Solun dropped her equipment and ran towards Zeph with open arms and embraced him tightly. And then Solun noticed Quad, Moon, and Rain.

"OMG, QUAD, MOON, AND RAAAAAIIINNNNNNNN! :DDDDDDDD" And Solun ran towards Quad with open arms.

"DID YOU MISS ME?! :3" asked squeaked Solun excitedly. Quad dodged out of her embrace. "I'll get back to you on that."

Solun, her spirit slightly crushed, ran towards Moon with open arms and embraced her tightly. VERY tightly. "What about you, Moon? :33333" Moon said nothing.

Solun, her spirits crushed just a little bit moar, looked at Rain. "You miss me...right?" And then Rain opened her arms and ran towards Solun.

"So..." said Zeph, breaking the awkward silence as Rain and Solun had a never-ending cuddle-fest.

"So..." replied Quad. "What now?"

"Ahem..." murmured Moon. "Astos?"

"OH YEAH, RITE!" yelled Zeph and Quad at the same time. "Let's go"

And so Rain and Solun stopped cuddling, and they all picked up their equipment and stepped through the gates of the ruined castle...

END OF CHAPTER 4


	5. Chapter 5

"Wait!" said Rain all of a sudden. "Before we go in...will you-" she pointed at Solun. "-let me feel your boobies?"

Quad couldn't take it anymore. He kicked down the front door to Astos's Castle and ran in screaming at the top of his lungs. "ASS-TOAST!" he screamed. "GET THE FUCK OUT HERE AND LET ME KICK YOUR ASS RIGHT NOW!"

Quad materialized his magic staff out of thin air...you know...like when he fought the liquid metal slime with Zeph in part 3 of this novelization? Ah, whatever.

He slammed the bottom of the staff on the hard yellow brick floor, sending sparks flying off the floor and walls and ceiling. A lone spark set Zeph's hair on fire.

"ASS-TOAST! ASS-TOAST! ASS-TOOOOOOOOOAAAASTTTT!" Quad flung his staff across the room. The staff bounced off the wall, bounced up off the floor, bounced off the ceiling and penetrated Zeph's backdoor.

"ASS-TOAST! GET THE FUCK OUT HERE RIGHT NOW!"

Astos suddenly dropped out of the sky and landed on Zeph, who was rolling on the floor trying to put out the flames. Zeph coughed and gagged loudly as Astos readjusted himself on his back. "You called, worm?" ask Astos.

"Worm? Worm? Woooormm?" asked Quad. He walked over to Zeph and retrieved his staff. "Who the hell are you calling a worm? Moi? KK then. Time for punishment." He swung the staff in a wide arc, aiming directly towards Astos's head.

"Nerp." said Astos as he caught the staff with one hand and threw it out the window. He placed his palm on Quad's chest. A magical force burst out of his hand, sending Quad flying into a wall. The wall did not, however, catch Quad. Instead, it crumbled, sending him landing outside in a small, motionless mound.

"No!" yelled Zeph. "Quad! Noooo!" Solun took her Harry Potter scar shaped spear and ran towards Astos. "No!" yelled Zeph. "His power level is over 9000! Stop! He'll kick your ass before you can say 'cuddle!' Don't risk your life-"

"Shut up." said Solun. She leaped high into the air, spear in one hand, her shield in the other. She bounced off an invisible barrier-which Astos erected without anybody noticing-and landed outside the front door.

"Mwahahahahaha!" laughed Astos. "I am the King of l33t! I am the King! Mwahahahahahaha! TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL"

Zeph unsheathed his scimitar and slashed at Astos. This was useless, as Astos's power level was still over 9000.

Astos stepped off of Zeph's back and effortlessly picked him up and threw him out the hole in the wall where Quad was thrown. Zeph landed on Quad with a very loud "UNF!"

"Well..." said Astos calmly as he looked over at Rain and Moon. "Are you two asswipes going to do anything?"

Quad's eyes snapped open. Gone were his usual dull brown eyes, yeah his eyes are brown, sorry I forgot to mention that, and instead, they glowed a very deep red.

He said nothing as he stood up and walked over to his staff, which, by the way, just happened to be embedded into the ground. How lucky.

Quad stepped through the hole in the wall. Astos looked at him and said "Awake, now, are you? No matter. I'll just finish you off with some suppository artifacts..."

Quad ran towards Astos faster than he ever could and swung the staff upwards. The bottom of the staff collided with Astos's chin, launching him about 69 feet into the air. When he landed, he looked damaged beyond repair. Lol, jk, he looked just fine.

"Ow...damn...looks like me calling your friends asswipes increased your power level..." Quad said nothing. Instead, he flung his staff at the wall, where it bounced off and penetrated Astos, the same way it penetrated Zeph earlier.

"OH JESUS!" yelled Astos. "THAT...FEELS...pretty good, actually..." Astos grabbed hold of Quad's staff and began to make a back and forth motion with it. "Oh, man...that...feels...oh...bro...that...listen, I'll trade you Matoya's Crystal Ball for this staff, what do you say?" Quad said nothing. "No?" asked Astos. Quad said nothing. "Damn." said Astos.

"Well, then." Astos threw the staff at Quad, who caught it with ease. Astos hopped up a tree that is growing in the middle of the castle, and began taunting the Light Warriors. And Solun.

"Kiss my ass!" said Astos, and he bent over and slapped his left butt cheek, and then his right one.

"I'll be happy to kick your ass" said Zeph, and he jumped from tree branch to tree branch.

"Urgh..." grumbled Astos and he jumped higher and higher up the tree, away from everyone else.

"Hurry!" said Rain. "We have to follow them!"

"Don't need to." said Quad. "Why not?!" asked Rain. "Because Zeph's got this, bro. He got this."

Zeph's naturally quick agility allowed him to easily catch up with Astos. _This is it!_ thought Zeph._ I'm actually going to do something usefull for once! Well, actually, no, I did do something usefull before, like cutting off the head of that pirate in part 2. Or, wait...was that part 2? Yeah, I think it was. Or was it? Also, why did Quad get so pissed when Rain asked to touch Solun's boobies? He's usually so chill about it. But then again, he has grown more tame and stern...and at the same time more wild and easily annoyed...why am I always used for slap-stick humor?_

Zeph's thoughts were interrupted by his sudden stop. He couldn't move anymore. He looked down and noticed his feet had been glued to a tree branch. "Son of a submariner!" he yelled.

"Yoo-hooooo" called Astos in a sing-song voice. "Look up heeeee-eeeerrre! :3" Zeph looked up to see Astos holding a bottle of Elmer's Glue in his hand. "Looks like someone's a bit...glued..." "Zeph facepalmed himself and said "That was terrible..."

Suddenly, a cracking noise. Zeph looked down at the tree branch. It was about to break! "SON OF A SUBMARINER!" screamed Zeph and he tried to take off his shoes. That was no good, as his feet would not slip out of his shoes.

"Uh, uh, uhhhh." said Astos. Zeph looked up and saw him holding a second bottle of Elmer's Glue in his other hand. "SON OF A ZUBAT, YOU GLUED MY FEET TO MY SHOES?!"

The branch broke off, the sounds of crashing leaves drowning out the sound of Zeph's screams. Upon impact, another loud cracking sound was heard, this one louder than the others. "OH GOD, MAH BALLS!"

Quad shook his head. "Dammit, Zeph" he muttered under his breath. "I heard that!" replied Zeph.

Quad looked at Rain and said "how come nobody helped Solun yet?" "Oh yeah, that's right!" Rain turned around and ran towards the spot where Solun landed, but not before she secretly did a small fist pump and said, very quietly, "boobies!"

Quad noticed this. And so did Moon. But not Zeph. His balls were in pain.

"Well, guess I'll have to go help Zeph's balls, then" said Quad. "See ya" He waved to Moon, then walked away.

"Wait..." said Moon. "Now Astos is my responsibility?" Moon looked up at the incredibly tall tree. She balled her tiny hands into fists.

"FU-"

END OF CHAPTER 5


	6. Chapter 6

"Hand...hand...foot...foot...don't look down..." said Moon as she was climbing the incredibly tall tree. Taller than her, heheheh...

"Don't look down...don't look down...dammit, Quad, why don't you help me...don't look dow-" A snapping sound interrupts her. "Crap." she says as she plummets down 69 feet and lands directly in a pile of conveniently placed cow manure.

Quad looked very closely at Zeph's balls. He fractured his left ball and his right ball was heavily bruised. "Hmmm..." said Quad. "Yes?" replied Zeph. "Your balls don't seem to be in very good shaped...but..." "But what?" Quad said nothing, as fucking usual of him. Instead, he pulled out a roll of duct tape. Two rolls, actually. Actually, no, three.

Solun was unconscious, although Rain fixed this problem. How? Don't ask. "Mer...er...agh...boobies...big boobies..." mumbled Solun as she slowly stirred awake. "BOOBIES!" yelled Rain in Solun's ear. Solun sat up quickly, wide awake and yelled "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS!" Rain smiled to herself. "You're awake." Solun smiled back. A very specific kind of smile. A kind of smile that only a man in a white van would smile.

Astos watched this all with a big smile on his face. "I've sent them all sprawling...this...is the proudest day of my life! I've actually done some damage to people! Yes! Yes! I'm not useless after all!"

Suddenly, Quad appeared behind Astos and said "no, you're still useless."

Quad locked his two hands together, and smacked them into the back of Astos's head. Dragon Ball Z-style.

Astos spun around in the air while he was falling, and he landed crotch-first.

"WHY DO GENITALS ALWAYS GET HURT IN THIS DAMN NOVELIZATION?" yelled Astos. "Because" I said. "Because I enjoy hurting genitals."

"Shut up" said Quad, as he swung his staff towards my- OW, DAMN THAT HURTS. "Stop breaking the fourth wall" said Quad. "Fine" I replied.

Quad stepped over to Astos's limp but still extremely fucking loud body. "Had enough?" asked Quad. "Nerp" said Astos, as he abruptly ended chapter 6.

END OF CHAPTER 6.

"Wait" said Zeph. "How the hell did he do that?"

END OF CHAPTER 6, DAMMIT.


	7. Chapter 7

"Mwahahahahahaha! I ended chapter 6! Ahahahahaha! I uberly pwn n00bs like you! Ahahahaha LOLOLOLOLOLOL!" Astos gloated.

Quad facepalmed himself. "You know...that's really not such a huge accomplishment...after all...now we're on chapter 7." Astos looked up at Quad. "Say what now? We're on chapter 7?" Quad nodded.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-" Quad grabbed Astos by the collar and threw him at Zeph. Zeph could barely react as Astos's head impacted with Zeph's balls.

As tears rolled down Zeph's face, Solun suddenly appeared with an electric yellow aura pulsating around her head and shoulders. Astos was in shock, from the pain in his head, and from the radiance of Solun's presence.

"Wha-" stammered Astos. "I...wha...WUT." Solun swung her hair back in response. "It's a little magic trick that Rain did...I'm three times more powerful now..."

Astos whimpered softly as Solun stepped slowly towards him. "I, Solun, will defeat you right here. Everybody else has done their part, but now it's my turn!"

"Just get to the fucking point..." mumbled Quad.

"BOOBIE MACHINE GUN ATTACK!" Solun jumped into the air and...and...I...really don't want to explain what she did. But let's just say that Quad ran into the forest and started hurling, the duct tape disintegrated from Zeph's balls, Rain got really happy and giddy, and Moon is busy washing off the cow manure from her clothing.

And there lay Astos, a broken and bloody heap. At the hands...or...I can't really hands...but...whatever...at the hands of...Solun...

And Quad was still hurling, Zeph struggled to put the disintegrated duct tape back on his balls, Rain was still happy and giddy, and Moon was stil cleaning the manure off her clothing.

Quad managed to stop vomitting long enough to utter one single sentence.

"End...chapter...7...please..."

END OF CHAPTER 7


	8. Chapter 8

Astos was a broken and bloody heap, however, he was not quite dead yet. "Light...Warriors..." he spoke in between quick, painful breaths. "You, agh...you...think...you have won?" He struggled to look at the Warriors as they circled around him. "I...I am not the worst enemy that you will face...your...trials...will be numerous...you will be tested far beyond your own capabilities...the seeds have been sown...they birth carnivorous plants of evil...they hunger...for you...Light...Warriors..." Astos blew out his final breath...and died. His body solidified into solid stone, then disintegrated ito nothingness, leaving behind a tiny crystal orb. Zeph bent down and picked it up. There was a small insignia emblazoned on it, in the shape of a glowing yellow cat eye. "This must be Matoya's eye..." said Quad as he took the orb from Zeph's hand. "Maybe" replied Zeph. "There's only one way to find out."

Their ship was cruising along at a leisurely pace on the great open sea, with nothing but the sound of birds and waves being heard. The ride was mostly uneventful, however, Zeph did once note a slight scent in the air...it was the scent of rotting earth.

They arrived at Matoya's cave. The Light Warriors and Solun stood, indecisive, at the entrance to her cave. "So...who wants to go in first?" Before he could react, Quad placed the eye in Zeph's pocket and shoved him into the cave.

Zeph's face was, not surprisingly, on the floor, however, this time, he made an effort not to stay that way, as Matoya heard the small thumping sounds of him falling down.

"Halt!" she yelled. "Who goes there?!" Zeph, despite knowing that Matoya was blind, threw up him arms in a feeble attempt to calming her down. "No! Wait! Stop! It's me! Zeph! I said that I would get your eye back for you, and-"

Zeph's words were cut off by Matoya's powerful magic. Zeph flew out of the cave and landed in front of the entrance, on his back.

"Oh, good god, Quad, why did you have to do that?" Zeph passed out, and the eye rolled out of his pocket. Quad bent down and picked it up.

"Well, I guess I'll go in, then." Quad stepped slowly and cautiously into the cave and called out Matoya's name quietly. "Matoya..." He said. "Matoya...Matoya...I'm here...I've got your eye back..." Suddenly, Matoya's eye flew out of Quad's hand and landed with a soft, sickening squish into Matoya's eye socket. She blinked slowly, then she spoked.

"Was it you that got my eye back for me?" asked Matoya. "Yes...yes it was..." Quad turned around and called for everybody to come inside. "We all helped you get your eye back. Now, it is our turn to ask for help. The Prince of Elfland has been curse by Astos and has fallen into a deep sleep...we wish to have a jolt tonic to wake him up..."

Matoya smiled slowly, and then she nodded. "Ah, yes. That, I can do. Here, take this." She reached for a small bottle on a nearby shelf and then gave it to the Light Warriors. "This is a jolt tonic. Take it." Quad took gratefully and thanked her sincerely.

"Thank you very much, ma'am. This will not go to waste, I promise you." Matoya did not seem amused by his graciousness. "Whatever. Get out of here. You're not even that good looking anyways..."

The ruins that used to be Matoya's cave smelled of burnt rock and cooked human flesh. Quad tossed the detonator away and walked away, without looking back. "Hey, Quad," said Moon. "Was that really neccessary?" Quad said nothing as they boarded the ship and set sail back to Elfland.

The Prince of Elfland slowly stirred awake as the jolt tonic flowed down his throat. "Wha-" he mumbled. "What's going on? Where am I?" He turned his head and saw the Light Warriors, and then realization hit him.

"Light Warriors!" he exclaimed. "You have woken me from my deep, cursed slumber! Thank you! Thank you! Here, take this Mystic Key. This will unlock the doors that it has bound. Surely, you must have found a door by now that can't be opened by normal means, right?" The Light Warriors and Solun shook their heads.

"No?" asked The Prince of Elfland quietly. "Not yet?" "No" replied Quad. "Man...you guys must suck..."

The burning rubble that once used to be Elfland glowed dimly in the horizon, as the Light Warriors and Solun sailed away, back to Coneria.

"Ok." said Moon, in an attempt to break up the awkward silence. "That was completely unneccessary." "No...no that was not" said Quad quietly.

"So, where to now?" asked Solun. "First, we head to Coneria castle to ask the king about the Mystic Key. Then, we go out and try to figure out what the hell we're supposed to do next." replied Quad.

"What do we do in the meantime?" asked Zeph. "Sleep." replied Quad as he slowly drifted...

END OF CHAPTER 8


	9. Chapter 9

A sudden jolt shook Quad awake. And then...IT appeared. Quad pointed at IT and screamed: "WHAT IN THE UNHOLY MOTHER OF SHITSUCKING ASSFUCKING GOD DAMN DICKFUCK IS THAT?"

Zeph, with a Pokedex in his hand, suddenly appeared and hid behind Quad while he scanned IT. "The Pokedex says it's a Dildomon, entry number 652. It says that it knows the moves TACKLE, CUT, ROCK SMASH, and RAPE. And it's a Rock Type."

"Well, then." said Quad. "I guess I'll catch it...with THIS." Quad reached into his pocket and took out a small pink sphere with red and blue lines snaking across it's exterior. In the middle of it was a white button that felt sticky to the touch. "This." said Quad. "Is a 'Special' Ball. It's a special type of Pokeball specifically made for catching Rock Types."

Quad readied his arm and prepared to throw the ball, right before Zeph tried to warn him not to throw it. "No!" said Zeph. "Don't throw it yet! You have to weaken him first!"

But it was too late. The ball was flying throw the air, and hit the Dildomon dead-center in the middle of it's...it's...'head.'

The ball opened and shot out a white laz0r that sucked the Dildomon into it. Quad suddenly ran and ducked behind a barrel.

"Zeph! Go kick the ball of the ship!" "Why?" asked Zeph. "Because if a Pokemon breaks out of the 'Special' Ball, it will cause a universal collapse!"

Zeph, with an enourmous expression of shock on his face, turned around and yelled: "WUT?! Are you shitting me?! Why didn't you tell me that before you threw the damn ball?!"

Quad looked over the barrel long enough to say this: "So I could see you kick a round object that resembled a testicle, that's why!"

Zeph facepalmed himself and ran towards the 'Special' Ball. He kicked it as hard as he could and sent it flying. It landed in the ocean with a barely audible splash, however, neither Zeph nor Quad breathed their sighs of relief yet.

They waited...and waited...and waited...until...suddenly...

THE WRITING STYLE CHANGED!

Quad: Wait...what...what the hell happened...?

Zeph: I don't know what happened...I feel...different...all of a sudden...

Quad: Wait a second...is this...IS THIS WHAT I THINK IT IS?!

Zeph: What...what are you...OH GOD! IT IS!

Quad and Zeph: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Quad: The writing style! It changed!

Zeph: Yeah, it did! Instead of being written like a novel, now it's being written like the script for a play!

Quad: Good god, this is disastrous!

Zeph: I know! How do we fix it? WHY DID YOU THROW THAT DAMN BALL?!

Quad: Because the manual said fresh water would cancel out the effect 3:

Zeph: We're in the sea, genius! The sea has SALT water, SALT!

Quad: D:

(Zeph and Quad hurry to alert the others about the current situation)

Zeph: ...And that is what happened...

Rain, Moon, and Solun: DAMMIT QUAD

Quad: 3:

Rain: So, what do we do now? How do we change the writing style back to normal?

Quad: Wait! I have an idea!

Rain, Moon, and Solun: NO.

Quad: 3:

Zeph: I have an idea :3

Rain, Moon, and Solun: NO.

Zeph: :(

Moon: Well, we were headed for Coneria, right?

Everyone: Yeah, yeah, right, mhmm, yeah (agrees)

Moon: Well, maybe the King'll know what to do

(they arrive in Coneria)

King: I don't know what to do 3:

Everyone: ...

(They set sail for...who knows where...)

Solun: Well then, are we screwed?

Everyone Else: Yeah, pretty much.

Rain: Argh, I can't take this writing style! This is supposed to be a novel, not a movie script!

Quad: Wait, I got-

Everyone except Zeph: NO.

Quad: But-

Everyone except Zeph: NO.

Quad: But this-

Everyone except Zeph: NO.

Quad: Well, fine then, I guess you don't want you don't want to press Ctrl+Z to undo everything, then...

Everyone: ...

Quad: heheh...

Moon: FIRE!

Solun: (stabs Quad)

Rain: (hits Quad with staff)

Zeph (runs around Quad in circle)

Quad: (Presses undo)

SUDDENLY THE WRITING STYLE CHANGES BACK TO NORMAL!

Quad, gasping for breath, attempting to stay conscious, begs for mercy. "Alright" he said. "Everything has been undone...Please don't hurt me..."

"Ok :D" I said.

And then I suddenly ended chapter 9.

END OF CHAPTER 9


	10. Chapter 10

There lay Quad, in the infirmary bed, where he lay unconscious from when Moon had used her Fire spell on him, when Solun stabbed him, and when Rain beat him to near death with her staff, and from when Zeph ran around Quad in a big circle. Quad lay in bed, seemingly snoozing away on a carefree day.

"Well?" asked Zeph, as he prepared his coffee. "What now? When's Quad waking up?"

"I don't know" replied Rain. "I guess we hurt him pretty badly..." "He deserved it" replied Shithead, the purple-haired dude they randomly picked up sometime between part 9 and part 10. "He almost collapsed the entire universe."

"True" said Zeph. "But I still don't think that that merits as a reasonably excuse to harm Quad to near death." Suddenly, Shithead leapt to his feet.

"Wake the fuck up!" he yelled at Zeph. "Quad is just a hindrance! He does nothing for you except-"

"Except what?!" Zeph yelled back at Shithead. The two of them glared at each other for what seemed like eternity, then Shithead suddenly looked away.

"Fine." he said. "Whatever. I'm out. I don't even know why Jackie Chung even bothered to put me in part 10."

Shithead leapt off the side of the ship, attempting to make his departure seem as badass as possible, when suddenly, a black...a black...a lump of flesh-like throbbing Chris Crisostomo-coloured mass shot out of the ocean and landed on the poopdeck. Heheh, poopdeck.

The upper part of the flesh-like mass hit Shithead straight in the chest and threw him back onto the ship.

The flesh-like mass resembled a heart with tentacles sticking out of it. Four tentacles, wriggling, and letting off an aura of what felt like pure evil.

Shithead got up and looked at the flesh-like mass. "Ugh...I have seen enough hentai to know where this is going."

Suddenly, the a voice started singing. It was a pure, deep voice that seemed to emanate from the flesh-like mass. It was singing Justin Bieber's baby!

"AAAGGGGGHHH!" Shithead suddenly started screaming. "TURN THAT SHIT OFF! TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF! AARRGGGHHH!" Shithead fell onto his knees and gripped the sides of his head as tightly as he could. He was attempting to block out the sounds of the horrendous singing, however, he could not.

Shithead suddenly got up and started walking towards the flesh-like mass. Shithead's eye almost seemed to show love for the heart-shaped monster.

Shithead's screams were cut off by a tentacle creeping down his throat and into his stomach.

All that resembled love which showed in Shithead's eye suddenly disappeared, with nothing but fear. Shithead turns his pleading eyes to Zeph, raising his hand in a hopeless gesture of asking for help.

Suddenly, a Wild PIKACHU appeared! Nah, I'm kidding.

Suddenly, Quad appears behind the flesh-like mass and kicks it away, rescuing Shithead!

Shithead bows down to Quad (like he should) and begs for Quad to fuck him.

Quad kicks Shithead away as well, and stares directly...at...me...with a huge glare...on...his...face...

"Yes?" I ask timidly, my voice trembling with fear. Suddenly, Quad summons his magic staff and whacks me in the- OH MY GOD, THAT HURT LIKE A MOTHERFU-

"When are you going to stop writing this stupid filler crap and get back to the actual damn story? What do we do with this damn Mystic Key?!"

I threw up my hands in fear and say "Okay! Okay! I'll end this part right now and doing part 11 later! I might even make a part 9.5 to explain where Shithead came from!

Quad stares me down, and I have no choice but to look away. "Okay...fine.." he says. "But seriously. Stop writing this damn filler."

"No :D" I say.

Before Quad manages to connect his magic staff to my crotch, I suddenly end chapter 10.

END OF CHAPTER 10


	11. Chapter 11

"I'M SO FUCKING HIGH RIGHT NOW!" screamed Quad at the top of his lungs. His laughter permeated throughout the lower deck of the ship, echoing off the dusty wooden walls. He jumped up and down on his bed, then he did a back flip, and landed on his ass. Of course.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHA I'M IN SPACE! SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAACE!"

Zeph, currently standing watch on the upper deck, facepalmed himself. "Dammit, Quad..." he muttered under his breath.

" WON'T YOU LEAD ME IN A DANCE DOWN THIS WINDING ROAD, WHERE LIGHT AND SHADOW ENTWINE TO TAKE HOLD, WHOOOOO! " Quad sang loudly.

Zeph gasped in horror. "Quad...is...SINGING?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" And then Zeph an-heroed.

"Ugh...I'll go revive him..." said Rain.

5 Grue Years Later...

"_Sometimes...sometimes I just want to talk with the letters looking like this_." said Quad, his voice sounding as if it were deep in thought. Which it isn't.

"NO!" Yelled Zeph. "We will NOT talk like that the whole time!"

"Hmph 3:"

They landed on a small, remote island, far to the...whatever direction it was in. A short way into the distance was the entrance to a cave. Inside the cave, the sounds of mining could be heard.

Upon entering the cave, the Light Warriors (and Solun) were greeted by a...a...midget O_o

"I'm not a midget!" said the midget, I mean, the not-midget indignantly. "I'm a drawf! And I need TNT to blow up the back of the cave so that it'll destroy a piece of land in order for you to sail through and make plot progression!"

"Haha!" laughed Solun. "And where may we find this TNT?"

The dwarf looked up graciously into Solun's eyes and said "In Coneria!"

Back to the ship...

"_I still think that we should talk like this the whole time_." said Quad.

"No!" said Zeph.

"3:" said Quad.

The trip back to Coneria was...mostly uninteresting. Just like all the other times when you set sail in an old-school JRPG. Nothing interesting ever happens. EVER.

Ok, fine. Zeph lost his virginity. To himself. And Quad.

They arrived in Coneria Castle, and they went to the King's Throne.

"QUAD, MAHBOI!" said King BicBoi the Third.

"BICBOI, MAHBOI!" said Quad, as he stumbled forward, High as a motherfu-

Quad wrapped his arms around Chris Crisostom- I mean, BicBoi, and embraced him tightly.

"FUCK ME! FUCK ME RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!" Quad's eyes glowed with a hunger unlike anything ever seen.

"no, das gey." replied BicBoi.

"3:"

BicBoi sat upright in on his throne, and spoke deeply and intelligently. "What brings you people to my pad, yo?"

Zeph smiled brightly. "BicBoi, stop trying to be ghetto."

BicBoi ignored Zeph and looked into the pink mirror he kept in his hands at all times. "dam u str8, babygurl..."

Zeph tapped his feet impatiently. "BicBoi...we need some TNT."

"Ok :D" said BicBoi. "Just hand me your Mystic Key first. Yes, I know you have it. I watch you all the time..."

Zeph handed the Mystic Key to Bicboi. Bicboi unlocked the door behind his throne, went in, retrieved some TNT, and then tossed it to Zeph.

"Yay! :D" said Zeph.

They set sail. Again.

"I'm bored!" said Quad. "I'm going to end chapter 11 right now. Mostly because I'm high as FUCK!"

END OF CHAPTER 11


	12. Chapter 12

"LOOK OUT! SHE'S GONNA BLOW!" Detonator in hand, the dwarf signaled everyone to evacuate. "GO, GO, GO!"

"So..." said the dwarf after they got outside. "Who wants to PUSH THE BUTTONS!" "I will!" said a random voice. The Light Warriors, Solun, and the dwarf looked over towards the sound of the voice, and they saw a man of average height. The man was wearing a white lab coat. On his shoulders was a metal backpack constructed out of what looked like silver, with various dangerous looking instruments poking out of it, and strange looking chemicals in containers strapped to it.

"The name's Dr. Science. I'm a traveling blacksmith/chemist. May I push the button?!" The Light Warriors and Solun looked at each other, exchanged some glances, and slowly nodded towards the stranger. "Yay!" said Dr. Science as he reached for the Detonator.

Dr. Science took the Detonator, however, he did not push the button immediately. Instead, he bent down, and picked up a rock. He threw the rock into the air, held up the Detonator in a dramatic pose, and the rock landed on the button.

They waited. One second passed. Then two. Then thr- KABOOM! The ground was shaking. Shaking so hard. Heheh. Hard.

A very loud cracking sound was heard. Everyone looked towards the source of the sound. The continent was breaking apart. And then...it fell. The sea had just been connected to the ocean.

Quad walked up to the dwarf, and he said this: "Well, thank you so very much for your help. We must get going now." And then he looked at Dr. Science. "And as for you pushing the button in such a flamboyant way...uh...thank you?"

"May I join you? I may, perhaps, be able to forge weapons for you, as well as chemicals that could aid you in whatever journey you're partaking in..."

"Sure" said Zeph. "He looks harmless."

Dr. Science cackled maniacally as he boarded the ship with the Light Warriors and Solun. "Bye-bye, dwarfy!" said Solun as she waved to the dwarf. "It's been nice! See ya around!"

"Byyyyyeeeeeee" said the dwarf. They sailed eastward to an unknown...oh god, what's that smell?

"What is that f*ing horrible smell?" asked Dr. Science. "LET ME THROW THIS CHEMICAL AT IT TO MAKE IT SMELL BETTER!" Before anybody could stopped him, Dr. Science chucked a beaker filled with an unknown pink fluid. It explodonated into a giant pink mushroom cloud. The smell of strawberries was in the air.

"Why...did you do that?" asked Moon. "What? replied Dr. Science. "It didn't destroy anything, did it?"

When they arrived on the island that they just conveniently found, they could see a small town, that was still intact, with dead, decaying vegetation. The smell of strawberries was still in the air, though. At least Dr. Science didn't destroy anything. Yet.

"Who wants to bet that as soon as we set foot in this town, some asswipes are going to ask for hel-"

"HELP US! HELP US! OUR VEGETATION IS DECAYING BECAUSE OF THE VAMPIRE TO THE EAST! HELP US! KILL THE VAMPIRE!"

"Son of a bitch" said Quad.

They trekked eastward (again) for a certain amount of time, when all of a sudden, Matoya appeared!

"You sons and daughters of bitches blew up my cave! Even after I gave you that potion to wake up the Prince of Elfland. Speaking of the prince..."

The Prince of Elfland appeared from behind Matoya. "What, you guys blow up my town, just because I tell you you suck? Well, then, I guess it's time to take things more formally. I am Prince Sherrent of Elfland, and I challenged you to a duel to the death!"

"This is so fucking cheesy..." mumbled Quad.

Dr. Science took a step back. "Well, then, looks like it's time for my secret weapon which I have been saving for a moment like this." He took off his backpack, reached in, and pulled out what resembled a cross between a fishing rod and a sword, except the line was replaced with bladed chains, and a buzzsaw on the end. He wound it up a couple times, and it was quickly spinning with much power.

"Well, that escalated quickly" said Zeph.

"I'm not scared of you!" said Prince Sherrent. He lunged towards Dr. Science, fist at the ready. Dr. Science blocked his punch with the side of his weapon, and he slashed it at Prince Sherrent's face. Prince Sherrent barely managed to dodge it, coming away with a mild gash on his face.

"You're good..." said Prince Sherrent. "BUT LET'S SEE YOU EAT THIS!" He threw another punch at Dr. Science, this one aimed at his face. Dr. Science caught this punch with his jaw. "Whuh?" said Dr. Science, slurring with Sherrent's fist in his mouth. "Yoo sed do eed it."

"GORAMMIT!" said Prince Sherrent. He struggled to remove his fist from Dr. Science's jaw. But it was no use. Dr. Science was already cutting it off with his buzzsaw sword...thingy.

"OH GOD NO, THAT'S MY FAPPING HAND!" Dr. Science paid no attention to his cries for mercy. He spit out Sherrent's hand and brought his weapon down upon his skull. And then [CENSORED]

"You have just been Scienced" said Dr. Science. Dr. Science turned to face the Light Warriors and Solun. "Were all of you really just standing there and watching me?" asked Dr. Science, as he noticed Zeph with a bucket of popcorn.

"Yes" said everybody.

Matoya stepped forward. "Now it's my turn..." she raised her hand and pointed it at Zeph.

"Oh no..." said Zeph. He dropped his bucket of popcorn and started to run away. But it was no use. Matoya's powerful magic blew Zeph away, and he crashed into a tree.

"DAMMIT, MATOYA!" said Zeph, right before he passed out.

"Which one of you is next?" asked Matoya with a malicious glint in her eye. "All of us!" said the rest of the Light Warriors and Solun and Dr. Science.

Quad, with staff in hand, ran towards Matoya. Moon began charging fire in her left palm and electricity in her right palm. Rain, with a hammer in hand (that nobody knows where she obtained it from) charged towards Matoya. Solun, spear in hand, leaped towards her. Dr. Science readies a beaker with strange crackling light inside.

But it was no use. Quad, Rain, and Solun were flung back. Moon's fire and electricity were deflected by Matoya ricocheted back at her. Dr. Science, however, did not throw his beaker. Instead, he offered it to Matoya and said "May I interest you in a beauty potion?"

"ARE YOU CALLING MEH UGLY!?" asked Matoya with intense rage. "Nerp" said Dr. Science. "Just saying you can look even better than you do now :3"

"Hmm..." mumbled Matoya. "Sounds...tempting..." "I'll give it to you for free since you're like my first customer :D"

"SURE!" said Matoya. She took the beaker, and uncorked it. What a big fucking mistake she just made. Dumbass.

Lightning shot out of the beaker and hit her in the...uh...ew...that...ugh...ok, tmi.

She laid there, dying. "God...dammit...Science..." she mumbled. Dr. Science held up a mirror to Matoya's face. Matoya's expression was surprisingly happy.

"I do look prettier! :D" said Matoya. And then she are died. "You have just been Scienced"

The Light Warriors and Solun looked at Dr. Science. "...What?" said Dr. Science. "I did say I would make her look prettier."

"See? I told you taking him in was a good idea" said Zeph, who just conveniently woke up after Matoya died. "No you didn't" said Quad. "You just said he looked harmless." "Dammit, Quad."

And then they resumed their journey, to fight the vampire. Whereever he was.

END OF CHAPTER 12


	13. Chapter 13

They found the vampire. Where? In a cave. Nope, no abandoned, torn down castles or anything, just a cave. How anticlimactic.

"Alright, vampire!" yelled Zeph. "It's time to end you!" He ran towards the vampire...only to get owned. Like Krillin. Heheh.

"AGH! OH, GOD, I'M LEAKING!" yelled Zeph as he laid on the floor, completely immobilized by pain.

The Vampire bowed to the Light Warriors and Solun and Dr. Science and said: "Welcome to my lair...allow me to introduce myself. I am Tirituss, and I am the Vampire of this cave. Shall we tango?"

Tirituss disappeared from sight...only to reappear right behind Quad! "You look yummy..."

"wat." said Quad. "Nothing." said Tirituss, as he placed his hand on Quad's shoulder. "Hey, did you know that all rapes start with a hand on the shoulder?"

Quad moaned. "Yes, please...but not today..." Quad did a reverse roundhouse back-kick of fury at Tirituss's man-ovaries, which were anatomically mis-placed, as they were in his ass-cheeks. Tirituss screamed in pain and coughed up some blood.

"Agh, my man-ovaries! I remember when he-" Tirituss pointed at Dr. Science. "-implanted them in my ass-cheeks with the most horrible surgery of my life!"

Dr. Science stroked his chin hairs and recalled the time of when he did that. "Ah, yes, what a lovely procedure...made much easier with a chainsaw...why did I do that again? Ah, yes, mother."

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-" said Tirituss, as he disappeared from sight and reappeared behind Solun.

"Wait, wha-" said Solun. Before she could barely even react, Tirituss used Thundershock on her. How did that work? Aren't Vampires Ghost-types? Ah, whatever,

Solun fell forward and lay there, unconscious, just like Zeph. Just like Krillin. Heheh.

"Hey!" cried Dr. Science. "That was my lightning in a bottle! Why, you little..."

Dr. Science drew an incendiary sniping machine gun from his pack, and he aimed it at Tirituss. And then suddenly, HE STARTED RAGING! YEAH, FIRE THAT MACHINE GUN, MUTHAFUCKA! SHOOT HIM RIGHT IN THE-

And then Tirituss caught every bullet with his hand. Turns out he was fire-proof. "Uh-oh" said Dr. Science, as Tirituss owned him.

"DAMN YOU, VAMPIRE! TIRITUSS? MORE LIKE TIRITITS!" yelled Dr. Science, as he passed out. A lone beaker full of light rolled out of his hands, with the word _FLASH _written on it. Instructions were conveniently labeled on it.

_In case of emergency, freak the f** out, and throw in opponent's face. _"Oh how convenient." said Tirituss, as he picked it up and threw it at Rain. A huge flash was shone. Rain was blinded!

"Hah! Hahahahahahah..." laughed Tirituss, as he struck Rain in the neck and knocked her out.

"Wait a second..." said Quad. "You didn't freak out!" "Wait..." replied Tirituss. "How did you read the tiny letters from all the way over there?"

"Good question" said Quad, right before he lunged towards Tirituss, magical staff at the ready.

"LAWL, UR ATAX R USELES" said Tirituss, as he owned Quad in one punch. Quad flew back and hit his head on the ceiling. When he landed on the ground, he just so happened to land in a position which placed his face on Zeph's buttcheek.

"EAT THIS! FLAME CHARGE!" Moon surrounded herself with flames, and charged towards Tirituss.

Tirituss managed to stop Moon by simply placing his hand on her forehead.

"God dammit" said Moon. She raised her hand and pointed her palm at his Tirituss's face. A shot of ice blasted him, temporarily blinding him.

"Hah. How pointless." said Tirituss. He charged towards Moon and tripped on a rock. His head smashed Moon in the face.

"I meant to do that" said Tirituss after he regained his balance. "But that's besides the point. Everyone's down, except you. And your magic can't help you. And, you are weakened. I may be blind, but I can sense you!"

Tirituss charged forwards...and slammed into a wall. "Ok, I'm still practicing, just let me get it right this time."

He charged forwards again, this time, tripping on my shoe. He landed in a pile of "pies" if you know what I mean.

"That's right, bitchotchickles" I said, as I stepped forward this time. "It's time for the narrator to get a shot at this! Haaaahhhh!"

I leaped forwards, my pencil in hand. I aimed a downwards stab at Tirituss's neck...only to get owned in one punch like Quad. And like Trunks. Heheh. This would be funny, if it weren't for the fact that I was getting my ass kicked by my own character.

"Dammit!" I said. "Moon, distract him for me! I'm going to get Dr. Science's secret vampire kit!"

Moon shot a ball of fire at Tirituss while I dug through Dr Science's pack. "Ah, yes" I said when I found it. "Here it is!" I took out the small container. Written on the front was:

_In case of vampire, use these.. _I took out a small steak. "Eat this!" I yelled as I ran towards Tirituss. In the middle of my run, Tirituss opened his eyes and smiled at me. "I can see again...and I can see that you are absolutely retarded."

"What?!" I screamed, pissed off at how he could insult me like that "How could that be!? I got your one true weakness right here! BITCH I'M PROBABLY THE SMARTEST ONE HERE!"

I slapped the steak across his face. And across the other side. But nothing was happening! His face was just getting covered in steak sauce.

He owned me in one punch, again, this time, sending me landing in front of the container full of steaks. I picked it up and read the instructions again, looking for a answer.

It actually read _In case of vampire bbq, use these. _"SON OF A BITCH" I yelled, as Tirituss owned Moon in one punch and then proceeded to own me with several.

"OW, GOD! OH, GOD THAT HURTS. OUCH. OH GOD, MY BALLS! AGH!"

I lay there, taking his punched for a while, before I caught his fist, looked him straight in the eye, and said this: "You haven't even seen my final form yet."

I suddenly went Super Saiyan and caught him a full nelson! Everybody who was unconscious just happened to wake up at this point.

"Goodbye, everybody...it's been fun being your narrator...but don't worry. This story will go on. I hired an intern. Just...have patience with him."

"Wait" said Quad. "There's somebody worse than you?!"

I looked at my novel counter-part straight in the eye and said this: "Yep"

And I self-destructed. Like Chaotzu.

Everything went dark.

END OF CHAPTER 13


	14. Chapter 14

Hey...uh...is...is this...is this thing on? Uh...how...how do I...

"Hey, New Narrator! What the hell are you doing?!" said Quad...or did he say it? I don't really kno-

"NARRATOR!" yelled Quad. Ok, now THAT, he definitely said.

"NARRATOR!"

"OH, GOD, SHUT UP!" I yelled, clamping my hands on my ears. Quad did as he was told.

"Ok. Hi. I'm Nappa. I'm your new narrator."

"Nappa? NAPPA?!" yelled Zeph as he flew, yes, FLEW up to me. I didn't even know he could do that. But then again...I can toooooo...and I am right now!

"Hey, Nappa!" said Zeph when he was floating just feet away from me. "Can I have your autograph?"

"Nope." I said as I bitch-slapped him into a mountain. "I'm taking over from here."

"Oh no, you don't!" yelled Quad as he dashed up to me and smacked me right on my head, knocking me into the earth. Which actually kind of hurt. Son of a bitch has a high power level, holy shit...

"Ow!" I yelled as I get back out. "Why, you little..."

"You suck at being a narrator!" said Quad. "We're going to revive the old narrator with Zing!"

"Isn't that a spell from Dragon Quest?" asked Solun.

"...Y-...yeeeaaaahhh...try to ignore that fact...anyways, we just need to wait for Rain's mana to recharge...even though she didn't use any magic at all for a long amount of time now...but we still need to wait for it to recharge...whatever, let's wait..." replied Quad.

I charge up my ki, ready to fight. "And just how do you plan on allowing me to not kill you after the way you just pissed me off?!"

I fly towards Quad and punch him right in the gut where he belongs. "You'll have to kill me first! I want to be the new narrator! It's fun!"

"God-...*wheeze*...dammit...Nappa..." Quad barely managed to mumble, as he was short on breath.

"...wait." said Quad, energy suddenly returning and pain quickly fading. "Astos had a power level of over 9000...Nappa, your power level is 4000. YOU CAN'T HURT ME!"

Quad flew towards me and struck me right in the middle of my head, slamming me into the earth again. Holy shit, that one hurt even more.

I get back out and fly towards Moon this time. Surely, she has a lower power level than a monk like Quad...does she?

No, as she flung a near-solid fireball right into my face, burning me to a degree of pain that I cannot even comprehend, no, not even a Saiyan like I.

But I still have energy left in me. I fly towards Solun this time, sure that I can kill her first. But not, she cuts off my [DATA EXPUNGED] with her spear.

As I land on the ground, bleeding profusely from my new wound, Zeph pops out of the mountain that I knocked him into earlier, and slashes his scimitar into my head. Right before it pierces my brain and kills me, though, I think to myself: _Oh, why...I am worth 3+ Raditz...why are they worth more than that...when they are mere humans..._

And then his scimitar pierced my-

Wait, what? I just use Selfdestruct and...what? Why is Nappa dead? What happened? What...GUYS, TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED!

"Quad! Zeph! Rain! Moon! Solun! Dr. Science! What just happened?" I asked.

Quad said nothing, as motherfucking usual of him. Instead, he flew towards me and hit me in my- wait, when did he learn to fly-

OH GOD, MY BALLS! MY BALLS! MY WONDERFUL BALLS! THAT HURT! HOLY SHI-

OH, DAMN, THAT'S MY SPINE!

NO, MY ORGANS! MY ORGANS! I NEED THOSE! WAIT A SECOND! WHAT THE FUUUUU-

FUUUUUUUUUU- wait, what? First I used self-destruct, then I all of a sudden, I'm alive again, and Quad mutilates me and...I'm alive...again...again? What happened?

"Rain used Zing to bring you back to life and then I killed you and then she revived you again." explained Quad.

"Oh." I reply in a tone of voice that shows that I understand the situation. "So, why is Nappa dea-"

Quad flew towards me again and- OH MY FU- NO WAIT, PUT THAT BACK, I NEED THAT FOR, OH GOD, THE PAIN, THE PAIN, IT HURTS SO MUCH, WAIT, STO-

END OF CHAPTER 14


	15. Chapter 15

They arrived back in the town. The town's name was Melmond, by the way. Sorry I forgot to mention that several chapters ago. And what happened after Chapter 14? Well, if you're still wondering how they learned, Dr. Science gave them magical potions that lets them fly. AKA anti-gravity potions. Now, they can turn gravity on and off at will. At least, on and off for themselves.

So, they arrived back in town, with the cheers of all the citizens praising their victory. Lol jk, they still bitched and moaned about their land being rotten.

"Oh god dammit, citizens!" said Quad. "We killed the damn vampire for you, what more do you want?!"

"WAIT, QUAD, NO, DON'T SAY THA-" said Zeph, in an attempt to stop Quad from making the citizens ask for more help. But it failed.

"WE WANT YOU TO HELP US EVEN MORE!" cried the useless citizens.

"...God dammit, Quad..."  
They trudged back out of the city, sick of helping the hapless citizens.

"Well, what now?" asked Dr. Science.

"We stop giving fucks." replied Quad.  
But then...rumbling. Very large, and very loud rumbling came from beneath their feet.  
And then suddenly, GORZIRRA!  
Nah, I'm kidding.  
Suddenly, a sinkhole opened up and swallowed them all hole. I mean whole. Whoops. My bad.

They all fell in, screaming at the top of their lungs. And when the endless darkness seemed to suck them in completely, the sinkhole closed...

Several moments in time later...  
Dr. Science awoke with a start. How long had he been out? He didn't know. And what he also didn't was where everybody else was. He was all alone. In the dark. The dark, scary dark.

Dr. Science knelt down and felt the floor. It was rocky, but stable. Surprising to him, especially since there was a sinkhole earlier. Speaking of the sinkhole...where was it? It opened up, and swallowed them whole.

But Dr. Science couldn't worry about that right now. For fuck's sake, it's darker than a hooker asshole in here! But Dr. Science is resourceful. He took off his backpack and placed it on the floor. He opened it up and reached inside. What he took out was a ball. But not just any ball. It's the only one of it's kind...so far, anyways. It was a Pokeball. He threw it on the floor, and out came a Cyndaquil.

"Cyndaquil, use FLASH!" Dr. Science commanded his Pokemon. It did as it was told. And damn. What Dr. Science saw was quite a sight to behold. He was in the middle of a crossway in an underground. Down all four hallways were crisscrossing paths, and what looked like an endless maze. The walls seemed to be rotting.

He sighed. This was going to be a long adventure. A LONG adventure.

More moments in time later...  
She also awoke. Who is she? Solun is she. She had no idea where she was, all she knew is that she was lost. The smell of rotting earth was in the air, and it was a very strong smell. She walked forwards several steps, only for her face to meet a solid rock wall.

This was going to require a little more thought. He raised her hand, palm upwards, and muttered an incantation. A ball of light appeared in her hand. She may not be a light warrior, but when it comes to light, she is not stranger.

Many thoughts crossed through her mind. Where was she? What happened to the sinkhole? What caused the sinkhole to open? Why did it eat her and her friends? And why is this novelization actually taking itself seriously now?

So many questions. No answers. And what seems like so little time.

She looked around to scan her environment. She saw that there was only direction to go. And that direction is forward. So forward, she marched...

Yet another moment in time later...  
Quad awoke with a start. His cheek was resting on something warm. Warm and soft, and comfortable. Kind of smelly, even. What was it? Wait a second. He recognized this feeling. It was Zeph's butt. Zeph had his face to the floor. Again.

Quad stood up, summoned his staff, and jammed it into the ground. A ball of light appeared on the top of the staff. What he saw was not pretty. Staring directly at him, was a skeleton. A skeleton dress in a torn up purple cloak. Donned on it's was a helmet, with two horns coming out the sides. Quad looked directly into the creature's eye sockets, and saw nothing but blackness. And it said "Hey. I'm Lich. I'm the Earth fiend. How's it going?"

Quad entered his battle stance immediately. The staff that he jammed into the floor re-appeared in his hand. "Zeph!" he yelled. "Zeph! Wake up! I don't know what I'm looking at right now, but I don't like it!"

Zeph didn't stir. His face stayed on the floor.

"GOD DAMMIT, ZEPH!"

Lich raised a hand towards Quad and said: "I can see you're a light warrior. You're here to kill me so that your crystal regains it's light, right?

"Wait. Is that what I was supposed to do?" asked Quad.

"I dunno." replied the Earth fiend.

Then all of a sudden, Quad suddenly remembered his objective.

"YES!" he yelled. "THAT IS MY OBJECTIVE!" And then Quad glided towards the Earth fiend, and whacked him in the face with his staff. But it was no use. Lich appeared unharmed.

"Bitch, please." said Lich as casually as he could. "Ass-toast's power level is over 9000. Nappa's is 4000. Mine is 18,000. Guess who's the new Vegeta?!"

And then Lich bitch-slapped Quad into the wall. Right before he passed out, though, he had this to say.

"Damn...Dragon Ball...references..."

And then he are passed out.

The last moment in time later...  
"Raiiiiiin." said Moon. "Raaaaaaaiiiinn." said Moon again. "RAAAAAIIIINNN! WHERE ARE YOU?!"

"Moon? Is that you?"

"NO, IT'S THE FUXING PIZZA GUY! YES, IT'S ME!"

"No need to be a smart-ass about it"

"Well, I certainly can't be a dumbass right now, can I?"

"Dammit, Moon."

One snap of her finger, and then a little fireball appeared in mid-air. Despite it's small size, it illuminated practically everything within view. And what did she see? Well, besides Rain's smiling face, which quickly turned into an expression of extreme fear, she saw an army of naked skeletons.

"Well..." mumbled Moon. "This is certainly quite a dilemma, isn't it?"

"Why, yes, yes it is" said a random voice from behind Moon. What she saw was another skeleton. But this one was wearing a torn purple cloak, and a helmet with two horns sticking out the sides.

"I am Lich, the Earth fiend. 'sup?"

Moon saw that Lich was carrying a pole on his shoulder. Tied upside down to the pole, like deer, were her friends Quad and Zeph.

"Dammit, Quad...Dammit, Zeph..." mumbled Moon.

Lich looked down at his catch. "Oh, you know them? Well, how unfortunate for you. Light Warrior.

Moon stared into Lich's grinning skull. "Rain, you will back me up with this one, right? After all, you are the White mage. Your spells are devestating against the undead."

Rain's expression of fear turned into determination and courage. "You betcher ass I will."

And then they prepared for combat.

END OF CHAPTER 15


	16. Chapter 16

The skeletons began to swarm. But they stopped. They were all looking in the same direction. Moon, still in her battle stance, with a puzzled expression on her face, looked in that direction as well. What she saw would stay in her mind forever. It was Solun. She radiated a pure white light. Her eyes glowed pure white. She slowly started to float into the air.

"Foolish undead. Fear the power of a Paladin" she said calmly. What happened next did not match her calm voice. No. Quite the opposite, in fact.

The white light that was radiating off her presence exploded. The skeletons went scattering. Bones flew all over the place. And yet Rain and Moon were unaffected.

But that was not the end of it. A screaming voice was heard. Moon turned her head to look towards the source of it. It was Dr. Science. His facal expression was that of complete hatred and ire.

"FUCKING UNDEAD!" He screamed as he readied his buzzsword, the same weapon he used to kill the Prince of Elfland.

"I WILL KILL YOU, UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD. AGAIN. TODAY! CYNDAQUIL! ...cook 'em."

He charged directly into the crowd, slashing at every skeleton he could see. Resting on Dr. Science's large backpack was a Cyndaquil. It used Ember on any skeleton that attempted to attack him from behind.

Moon and Rain looked at each other. "Well, that takes care of that."

And then they ran towards Lich himself, who in the middle of all of this, quietly left, perhaps in the hopes of getting away.

"Oh, no you don't!" yelled Moon. She muttered an incantation, and then she disappeared. She re-appeared in front of Lich, blocking his path. Rain came up from Lich, trapping him.

"Hey." said Lich.

"Hey" replied Moon.

"'sup?" Lich asked casually.

"Not much. You?" said Moon.

"Oh, nothing much, just...you know..." mumbled Lich, as he attempted to come up with a response that didn't end up with him dead.

"Trying to get away?" asked Moon suspiciously

"No, not tha- ok yeah, I'm totally trying to get away." Lich confessed.

"I figured." Moon said with a smile. "Rain. You can do the honours."

"With pleasure." said Rain, with a malicious glint in her eyes.

Rain raised her hand and placed it on Lich's shoulder.

"You guys...do realize my power level is 18,000, right?" asked Lich.

"No. You never told us that." replied Moon.

"Well, it is :D"

And then, without warning, Lich burst into flames and began to disintegrate into dust.

"Well, your power level may be 18,000..." said Rain slowly. "but..."

"But what?!" asked Lich, his voice choked with pain.

"My power level is 18,000.0001"

"Really?!" asked Lich.

"Nah, I'm just fucking with you. I just cast Heal on you. It heals the living...but not so much the dead. Good night, Lich Bitch."

And then when Lich was nothing but a skull, Rain slapped him across the cheek. His skull instantly turned to dust, and scattered away.

END OF CHAPTER 16


	17. Chapter 17

"Holy crap baskets, is that what happened?" said Quad and Zeph as soon as they were untied and regained consciousness. Yeah, they were unconscious when they were tied to the pole. Sorry I forgot to mention that.

"Why, yes, you useless fuckfaces" said Rain.

"Well, then." replied Quad. "What do now?"

"About that..." said Zeph as he took out his ORB which we completely forgot about since part 1... "I suddenly remembered that we have to restore the light to these ORBs. So, I'm guessing we have to defeat three more fiends, then."

"But, first." said Moon. "Let's go to talk to Dr. Science. He seems a bit..."

Moon looked over at Dr. Science, who was holding an undead skull, which remained alive...or...undead...still...in motion...whatever...and it was talking to him.

"YOU STUPID MUDDAFUCKA, I WILL BITE YOUR FINGERS OFF! I WILL ZOMBIFY YOU WITH MY BITE."

"Talk to the hand." said Dr. Science, as he used the skull as a volleyball and ricocheted it across the room...only for it to bite Zeph in the ass.

With Zeph running around screaming in pain, Dr. Science returned to the group, with a big smile on his face. "I scienced them all!" he said happily as he high-fived Solun.

"Well, then" said Quad. "I do believe that we should return to Melmond and let everybody know about the good news first, before we do anything else or kill any more fiends."

Upon returning to Melmond, they were greeted with cheers and presents.

"HERE!" said one happy citizen. "I WILL REWARD YOU WITH MY PORN!"

"Uh..." said Quad. "No, thanks?"

Quad only shook his head as Dr. Science accepted the gifts with a grin on his face.

"So, where do you think the rest of the fiends are?" asked Quad.

"Uh..." said Dr. Science as he pointed to a nearby volcano which was spitting out lava faster than you could say fuck.

"...Alrighty then." concluded Quad.

"To the volcano, it is!"

They left Melmond and began to walk through a forest towards the volcano...only to nearly get owned by a stray drop of molten magma.

"Ok, guys." said Dr. Science. "I think we should prepare first." He removed six bottles of glowing red liquid. "Rub this on your skin." he said. "It's lotion to protect us against the searing heat. It's SPF 9001."

"Good idea." commented Zeph. "You know...I knew it was good idea to take you in."

"No..." said Quad. "You only said he looked harmless."

"Fuck you Quad."

And so they resumed their journey into the volcano...yeah...just six people walking towards an active volcano, and even planning go inside of it. Nothing...you know...dangerous about that...

As soon as they stopped at the base volcano, they could a door, a door of all things, which was open, and led inside the volcano.

"A door to the inside of a volcano?" asked Quad. "Seems legit."

They all walked inside...only to fall down a flight of stairs.

"Oh-" began Quad, right before his face banged the stairs at full force, and then he continued to roll down the stairs at an increasingly fast rate, along with others. "for-" bang. "fucks-" bang. "sake!" bang, bang, bang, crash.

They all landed in a small heap, on top of each other, Dr. Science being the heaviest...and the one that just happens to be on top of everyone else.

"Mother of Arceus." mumbled Quad as everybody stumbled to their feet.

"Can this get any worse?" said Quad, right before trap doors opened up right beneath their feet.

They cartoonishly floated in the air for a second, long enough for Dr. Science to facepalm himself, and for Quad to say "Oh, for fuck's sake."

And then they all fell into open chutes, which led to a slide, effectively seperating them all.

"WHEEEEEEEEE!" yelled Dr. Science as he waved his arms in a childish manner.

"THE WHEELS ON MY BOX GO ROUND AND ROUND-" began Dr. Science.

"GOD DAMMIT DR. SCIIIIIIEEENNCE!" everybody screamed at the same time.

And then they all continued down their slides, and into the depths...

END OF CHAPTER 17


End file.
